I have absolutely no idea what I am doing
I'm not very brave or very strong. I've accomplished little in my thirty years and my path is still being drawn out before me by what I hope is a higher power but am stilling fearing is nothing but my own imagination, but I have continued on. I am a wife to an Air Force Sgt. he is very sweet and loves me very much. He loves all very much. I have two children a daughter who is feisty and smart...too smart. She is beauty personified and a son. I have a son. My son is who I want to talk with you today about because my son is the strong one. Special in a way you must truly meet him to understand and kinder than one human has ever shown me they could be before him. See my son is going to be seven soon. Seven is an important age I suppose or so I'm told almost daily and more often as the time grows nearer and so I share with you that he is going to be seven because if I don't I will surely hear about it later. As a military family change is part of our daily life. Moving, staying, and simply the everyday things most take for granted are in constant movement for us and so change itself has almost become familiar but this year is the start of the biggest change in our lives. This year my son will attend school as a boy. I didn't give birth to a son. I didn't imagine I would ever have a son and still today as I sit here writing to you in my own selfish ways I hope that one day I wont have a son anymore. See my son was born my daughter. She was so very tiny and her birth was very hard and I did it alone because my husband was in the middle east when she was born and for the first 30 days of her life I blamed this small child for every ache I had in my heart and that is 30 days I will never be able to get back and I will always hate myself for each one of those days. She had the curliest blonde hair you could imagine on such a small child and her blue eyes were the most amazing thing to look into as I sang her to sleep at night. Yet at three when she could really talk to me as a child to a mother, she for the first time in a real way and not in the fun way as all the times before told me that she didn't want to be a she and that she was meant to be a boy. Only her words were much darker than that and though I doubt and question within myself how much she understood her words at the time and each of their meanings used the sentence "I hate myself." So well, that is when my son was born. That was the first step in the change we made. There were little steps that followed little steps that you can't really see but can only be felt by the ones they are meant for.
Now four years later we start the next big step. I am scared. More scared than my son because as a mother I see all the things that could happen and every corner we must pass by blindly and I as his mother know that some of those corners hold much pain. For four years I have taken the hits of hate for him and I have worn them as scars upon my soul to remind myself that I am his protector and perhaps my burden to bare for the 30 days I failed him seven years ago but those days in which I can stand in front of him so that he does not receive the sting from the whip are almost over. My grip as his protector is coming to an end and I am so very scared. My son does not see the hate or the anger that the world throws and if you looked into his eyes you wouldn't see it either because you wouldn't look into the eyes of a seven year old you would somehow look into an idea of a world much bigger than him or I. You would question if he was really seven or if perhaps a small man of much older wisdom and for a moment you would tell yourself that if the whole world could just know him then they would understand what God was trying to tell us and that is to simply love. I do not know why I am writing this to you. I do not want to be an advocate. I do not want to put my child on a pamphlet and demand the world love him as I do, and I certainly don't want to change anyone else's religious views. I just want to be able to send my son to school and know that he is safe and protected.
The truth is strangely as I sit here and yell at myself for writing this out to you because at the end of the day I know that my email box will just be filled with more hate than yesterday and you know who you are and I can't stop you from sending your hate my way but I will except it though the truth is I am unsure of how much more hate I can take. I just wanted someone else to read it
Diary of an Air Force Wife
Reader Comments (9)
No hate coming from me - only love, and sympathy, and best wishes. It's got to be incredibly difficult to, as you put it, have a son when you didn't give birth to one. I have no idea what I'd do down the road if one of my kids has to walk this path, but I'd hope I could handle it with as much grace and compassion as you seem to have. I teach special education, and I have the same hope for my students - that they can attend school and be safe and protected. I'm hoping the same for Little Bird - I hope this next school year is a wonderful one.
No judgments from me either. Keep being an advocate for your child; more parents like you are needed in this world.
no judgement here either, only great respect. i have known many transgender people and not all of them had a supportive family, let alone a mom that seems to be an amazing parent that gives unconditional love to their kids all the time....
If your inbox is filled with hate mail, you forward it to me. I'll take care of it for you. You know exactly what you are doing...you are loving your child which is your number 1 job. And it sounds to me like you are doing it really, really well and really honestly and really bravely. That's all anybody could ever ask.
No hate here. You are a mother doing what she believes is best for her child. Which is all we can do.
You are a mother who is doing what you believe is best for your child. You are brave and a wonderful woman. No hate here, only love.
You are a wonderfully supportive, caring, loving mother doing what's best for her child. Sending best wishes for a safe and happy school year next year.
Never hate, only love... and you can send them to me too... do not even read them, just hit forward and blast them away. They are not worth your time. I will do with them what they deserve.
And now, please give yourself a huge, long hug to tide you over until I can get there... and one for the birds and the Sgt too... and even Monster Dog :)
I love you all to the sun and the moon and the sky and every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year.....
You are always in my heart,
GG
Never give up. You are an amazing Mother, and the Sgt is an amazing Father. You are going down an unfamiliar path, that is true, but you have the love for each other and love for your two beautiful children. You will always love them until death parts you from their company. Unfortunatly hate is a part of this world. But you have your wonderful family surrounding you, your husband who would walk through fire and ice, your Girl and Boy who love you no matter what, your monster dog, and all of your friends. We are here, wishing we were there to help, but this will have to suffice. We love you for who you are and who you are raising your children to be. Thank you for allowing me to be one small part of your world. Much love and many hugs from across the miles!