This last week and half is not going to make my "greatest moments of 2012" list. In fact it goes down on my "Just another reason I hate the fucking military but love my fucking husband and this shit sucks royal ass" list.
Big Bird isn't feeling well. At first we thought it was just pneumonia. Which I know is not exactly no big deal, but it's also not a bring my husband home type of deal either. It's somewhere in the middle and I can handle that, but a closer look at her chest x-rays revealed that she has Pleurisy(a pocket of fluid on the outside of her lung between the inflamed pleural layers)....again this is treatable but it's a little more than just a bad cold. It can go in lots of different directions and we are taking it day by day while we work out a plan of action, but here's where you need a partner.
because the actions go in this order:

Try this very intense, rarely used antibiotic for five days.
limit her activities.
watch her breathing.
make sure she is drinking fluids.
breathing exercise every hour.
Go to doctor get more x-rays.
if x-rays confirm that removal of fluid is needed than hospitalization.


It sounds bad as you get down the list and admittedly it does get worse, but it's all doable.....just not easily. When it's just you and you have another kid at home who can't even reach the back of the counter in the kitchen much less take care of himself while you're at the hospital with the other kid who's only ten and you can't just leave her alone in a hospital....how scary would that be for her?
It's doable...just not easily.

But this is where I fail as a parent and The Sgt. truly shines.
Sickness is my kryptonite. Not the puking, or the taking care of them, or the staying up at night. I don't mean that, I can totally do that. I'm sitting here typing this in the middle of the night because I'm doing that. No, I fail because I don't know how to talk about sickness. I don't know how to express my feeling about sickness because instead of thinking about how I feel I worry how everyone is going to think I feel.
Sickness in my childhood household was a bag of mixed feelings. One parent was always dying. Every word out of their mouth was something about how sick they were, but "oh you know that just my life." and the other parent used sickness as a means to display their love for us to others. Every cough, every fever was serious and we were on deaths door until they pulled us back, thank the good lord for that. The point is that being sick was never just being sick. There were always strings attached and I hated it, sometimes I would try to hide it because I didn't want to deal with the freak show that might follow. This ridiculous insecurity slowly turned into some neurotic psychosis that I carry within. So every time something happens that involves a sickness I don't know how to talk to anyone about it because what if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but then at the same time I am dying to talk to someone about it because I want someone to hug me and make it all better. The Sgt. would say "fuck it, make into Mt. Everest if that how you feel about it." but that strength to not worry about how others might see it doesn't grow inside of him like it does inside of me.
These are the moments where being the single parent isn't okay. The moments where you need to tag the other guy in because you aren't made this way. Moments where there is some one there to hold you. Someone there to say I'll take the night shift. Somewhere there so that you aren't left worrying which kid has to be left with strangers. Someone else who is there, because it's doable...just not easily.

It's hard making friends. I totally know this. I'm even going to go so far and tell you that I'm not very good at it. You might not notice by how awesome I seem on here but I can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes and it's easy for me to think that maybe I shouldn't put myself out there because what if people don't like what they see...what if?
But my wish for you in 2012 is to make friends with those around you. Take that extra step to get to know someone on your base or in your neighborhood because the first thing you learn as a military spouse is that it can get lonely really fast.

We by natures design are a pack animal. We grow up with a desire and dare I say need to be around others. To touch someone and feel their warmth. This isn't sexual. It's instinct. We need friends but too often we allow ourselves to fall victim to our own worst enemy....our hidden self loathing. Don't do this. Don't stop yourself from waving when a car goes by. Don't hide behind your door when the mailman knocks. Say hi and welcome them with a warm cookie. It's scary. Fuck that it is frightening, but it's worth it. Because maybe you won't know them for the rest of your life. Maybe you wont grow old together or be there when their first child is born...but maybe, just maybe...

They'll help you make a snowman family so you don't feel so far away from yours.

It's that time of year again my lovely where we all gather around with family and drink lots and lots of alcohol, while consuming large amounts of high fat foods, slowly slipping into a butter induced coma while listen to the small children of the neighbor brag about what they got from the fat man up north or as some like to call it Christmas. If you're not a Christmas person then I hope that whatever you celebrate was/ is celebrated with much love and kindness.
Though it's not much I give to you the above photo for your holiday joy. You can download its high resolution partner here, make next years christmas cards, print some fun photos, do as you will with it, for I love you all and Merry Christmas.

Sometimes things get to be too much. I'm not good with the too much. I'm awesome in a time of crisis. Don't get me wrong, if things started to fall out of the sky, or the Russians invaded, I'm a Wolverine all the way just call me Jed, but when things start to build....the fridge goes out, the light bulb I cant reach blows up, or a cell phone stops working, I start to doubt everything that makes me, me. I start to shut down and parts of me just can't handle the outside world.
I'm feeling those feelings.
We use Sprint. We have since we moved back to the states almost four years ago and I've been truly happy with everything that Sprint ever was. I felt like they really cared. Like they took care of their customers and I was a shinning poster board of praise when asked about them but this post, this post is filled with anger and sadness because I feel let down. Like that feeling you get when you're watching a movie and you find out the hero is really just an asshole looking to get laid.
I'm feeling that feeling.
When we signed up with Sprint the sales man talked us into insurance because cell phones are fucking expensive and insurance on them is cheap, but as it turns out insurance really only protects you from those things that never really happen to cell phones ever. Sure they happen sometimes but it's unlikely because for the most part all of us our very aware how fucking expensive cell phones are so we treat them better then we might even treat our kids...true story. So the insurance doesn't cover the normal things. The things that cell phones do now because cell phones are really just mini conputers, but only their computers that you can't open up or take stuff off because you don't want it there and you don't need it and it fucking drains your battery but you get to just deal with it until the mini computer dies.
So when my first phone went dead, they nicely sent me a refurbished replacement with no problem. It was awesome and it made me only believe even more that Sprint was a great company who cared....but within days that replacement phone started to really go honky on me. It started to happen quickly and in no time my phone turned into a pretty expensive paper weight that sometimes works as a phone.
Here is the thing. This is where Sprint sort of took my breath away and not in a good way.
As a military member I get to move around a lot. I get to be away from family a lot. I get to live in places where I may know not one person, and sadly I get to do it all alone because my spouse has to leave for six months out of the year. Sometimes a phone is the only thing that keeps me connected to my soul. That may sound weird but it's true. Having a phone means that I can talk to my Dad when my tire goes flat, or I can call my sister to ask her about some fruit we once ate when we were eight, and it gives me a chance to hear my spouse whisper goodnight to me even though he's not laying next to me.
My phone is my security blanket. My life line. I check it more times than I would like to admit in hopes that The Sgt. had time to sit down that day and write me a letter. But Sprint was surprised to hear that. Sprint was surprised that I didn't have family and friends near by that would just loan me their phones. Sprint was surprised to hear that I didn't live right next door to a Sprint store and they couldn't understand how this phone was the only phone I had but my question to Sprint was and is WHY DOES IT MATTER? I pay for a service. I pay on time. I pay early in fact. I have never missed a payment, never complained about a bill, and I have been loyal. How in this time and place where people do most of their business online can a cell phone company be surprised to learn that they have a responsibly to fulfill their side of the deal? Right now I needed them to return the favor. I needed a voice on the other end of the line to tell me that they understood, and that they would help because the truth is, we don't get enough help.
I'm not just saying as a military spouse. I'm saying as human beings there is more pulling you down then building you up and right now the only thing that keeps me from going under is the sound of my husband's voice every Sunday at 4:30.
I'm not asking for a newer model or the next big thing. I'm only asking for what I pay for to be given to me, so that when the fridge goes out, or the toilet overflows, I can call someone to tell me it's okay because the one person who would normally wrap his arms around me and tells me that everythings going to be okay is a few thousand miles away.
I don't think I'm asking for too much.

It's the holidays. My decorations are up. My tree is waiting for presents. Cookies, toffee, stuffing, turkey, ham, and wine have all been consumed with close friends and even some family. It's even colder than a witches tit outside, so it must be winter. Winter means Christmas and Christmas means Santa.
I'm a big believer in Santa. I'm not saying that I believe that some weird guy crawls into your homes at night and leaves you weird little gifts under your trees.....then again maybe you have a guy like that in your life which is totally okay I'm not judging you, but what I mean is that to me Santa is something more than just that weird guy we make movies about. Think about it. There is something magical about Christmas, about this time of year and there is no denying it. Rich, poor, or somewhere in between you feel it. It has nothing to do with how many presents are under the tree, though many of us make it seem that way. It's something else. Something bigger than you or I and it fills us up with joy this time of year. Even for those who may truly be at their worst, even for those who right now things are really hard. There is something about this time of year that is different from all the rest and we have to acknowledge that, that is something special. I love the holidays and as the years go by and I get older and things around me seem to be getting shittier as corny as it may sound I am reminded of this one little quote from the greatest movie ever made....Love Actually.

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

I love you all.

Although I have spent more major holidays away from my family than with, Thursday was the first time I had to spend a major holiday in the desert.
I worked, as did most everyone else who happens to be in this area of the world, sure some people had the luxury of an extra day off but for most of us the day was spent doing what we do every day.  The only consolation was that there was a big effort to have a traditional Thanksgiving meal ready for dinner, football on the TV's and just a general festive air. 
Being my first time experiencing it, I was pleasantly surprised. They did everything they could to provide a true meal. The mashed potatoes were actually mashed that morning, the turkey/chicken/ham cooked fresh and an assortment of pie choices (I even had leftover apple pie for lunch today!)  A bottle or two of sparkling grape juice was handed to each table, toasts both serious and silly were made, and overall it was a good meal shared and enjoyed by all.
However, just under the laughter, smiles and jokes the dull ache of missed families was apparent.  Talk of family back home wasn't so much a taboo subject, as one that no one really brought up on purpose.  Sure if the conversation drifted towards it then fine but other topics were soon found.  Being here and away from our families is part of the job, we know that and accept but it doesn't make things any easier, especially this time of the year.  We each do what we can to keep in touch, email, Skype, phone calls, letters and a few people even texting from their phones; the fact of the matter is if you've been in very long you learn to bury and suppress that loneliness until you have time to deal with it, for most of us, I think it's just something we ignore and count down the days till we are back home with family and can just forget how hard it is to be away during the holidays. 
If your deployed spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister or any other relation doesn't seem to be missing you don't take it at face value, they do, just as much as you, but hiding it is a mechanism to survive the time apart.  When they say they love you and off-handily mention they miss you, it's true and they mean it, never doubt that.

Diary Wife here.
  I wanted to say that this time a year I start getting a lot of emails from girlfriends, wives, and even a few husbands who talk about how they feel like their deployed loved one is pulling away and what can they do about it. I always say and I say it again here. While your loved one is over seas just love them. Take nothing personally. Remember who they are when they are next to you, and let everything else roll with the punches.
The shit gets deep where they are. Remember you're their bridge back home, sometimes you just need to stand steady, and give them the support to stand on.